“If I fly but then I suddenly fell off, will you be there to catch me? I hope you do because the angel has lost its wings” Much often than seldom, I tell this to myself. It is said that all sufferings has its own opposite happy moments that we would treasure, and I for one agrees with that but often times I also asked the one that’s up above us if there’s an opposite happy moments for me as well. I was never scared to try on new things, I mingle and laugh with others every time I have the opportunity to do so, and I am a jester for most of my comrade, a guru with a positive view of life and a confidant for most people. I am real for what I am for them but optimism is much identical to pessimism as to life is an irony to bear. I am confident about who I am and what I am capable to do not until today, doubting myself is much more of an hobby. The adversity of being in college is gradually eating me up, three years ago I am contended of my academic standing, never had I feel sorry for my grades, I was even awarded first in our class for not having an grade below the quota. True enough, my batch mates in our university considers me as one of the most responsible student. I entered the college which was not my choice; it was my family’s decision. I do not blame them of my sufferings but thinking of the what if’s, I blame myself for agreeing with them well in fact I have the chance to decide for myself and object. I try to change thinking that it would help me regain my confidence, I study and make the study room as my home during breaks and sadly, up to the point of distancing myself to the community that I’ve already shared my three years with, to the friends that I was so happy to be with. I feel sorry for myself, but much more I am ashamed to be with them with this kind of person that I am, I’m miserable and hopeless. I try to improve my study habit, but it’s like having to enter a thought in your one ear and having it pass to the other ear, nothing retains in my mind, and it sucks like hell. I cry, a lot; misery has always been my best companion today, and I can say that he’s truly doing his job well. I can’t tell my family because doing so might let them think they are so wrong for not supporting me of what I really like; I have no plans of telling my friends as well because I will just hear them say “You must not say that because you are good, your intelligent”, well in fact they just need to say that so I would feel relieve; and lastly, I’m already tired of telling Him of what I feel because I feel that I am not being noticed, neglected it is. My parents comforted me when I was really crying so hard and tried to tell me that people do commit this mistakes and what we have to do is not to do the same mistakes again, I calmed down, but deep inside me I feel the need to shout, to blame myself and question my capabilities. I am ruined and I am tired, I want to end this misery and start anew but I still have a year ahead of me, a year with no definite conclusion. Pressure is a word to define my life, having those eyes to look at me and waiting for a mistake that I would make, those eyes that makes me suffer even more; to cut it short, the expectations that kills me. I feel sorry for myself every time I hear my friends saying that “It’s ok because education takes time; I still have all time in the world.” I can never do that because criticisms are just around the corner. At times, I thought why does it has to be me? Well, finding the possible answer to my question, I think that in the beginning my brother committed the mistake of having to finish college in six years because shifting is an issue, then he had issues when he’s in high school. But me, I was always the good girl, back then school-house is just my daily routine, I go out but just when there is a need to buy something for school. Pressure, it really defines me. My life was more of a need than a want, I need to do this because of that, I need to be like this because I need to, etc. I want to ask myself why I am like this, but no answers came in to my mind; I don’t know that answers even though I tried to think of it. I bombard my mind with positive thoughts like “Next semester you will do great, aja! You can do it.” But I still find no good results. Having to deal with my best friends back in high school, they would ask me “What happened?” I found myself stuttered, I don’t know what to say. If misery and pressure kills, I guess I am dead by now. If I have the chance to turn back time, I’d choose a different path, different from what I have right now, I know many will change just like the circle of friends I have but I believe that if your lives are already sewed together, there’s no chance of you getting ripped apart, you will meet because you will meet. Reality strikes, there is no time machine, it saddens me, because right now, right here, I don’t know where this path will lead me to or to what future it will be for me.
this life is a process of accepting and expecting that things will not work out the way you wanted it to be, the more expectation you have, the most disappointed you’ll become. but isn’t expecting a human nature already, think of it? you cannot deny it to yourself.